Sexy (medical) Boot

I fractured my toe the other day. I've lived through a few decades of serious accidents and injuries, but I've never broken a bone before now. Not the time an 18-wheeler crunched up my Toyota Corrolla on the I-10. Not the time I fell face first onto the pavement in 1985 while doing ballet...on my Schwinn. You heard me. Not the time, at 7 years old, I was lifting weights and dropped the dumbbell on my toe. I didn't even break bones when I flew out of a moving school bus into a shopping mall parking lot. I'll bruise if you look at me wrong, but, until now, I thought I was unbreakable.

So when I barely stubbed my toe the other day, I was surprised by the huge crack and blinding pain. I either hit this thing in the sweet spot or my calcium is depleted to nothing and I'm crumbling away.

Everyone always says that there is no point in going to the ER because the doctors can't do anything for you. I hate those people. Those are people who like to suffer. If I'm going to suffer, I at least want it to be at the hands of a medical professional. I got my wish when my X-Ray technician turned out to be a closet dominatrix. When a doctor came in and told me my toe was fractured, I half suspected she did it.

I was disappointed when he didn't show me the picture. I mean, it was my first broken bone, the end of an era. I wanted to take it home and put it under my pillow. The X-ray, not the toe.

Now my toe is now taped to his neighbor, the little one that goes wee wee wee all the way home. So that's kind of a drag for him. But otherwise, he's happy not to move. AND he's happy that his brother, the one who ate roast beef, is bruised instead of him. He takes it as some sort of sympathetic gesture for never sharing; or it could be attention seeking behavior on his part. I don't try to understand what's going on down there.

All I know is that I'm now stuck wearing this hideous medical boot for the next eternity. It's equal parts robot and chuck taylor. Which is ok if you're my friend Andrew Walsh, but my entire wardrobe, such that it is, is thrown off now because I can't wear high heels.

So in the meantime, I'm drinking milk and looking ridiculous.